I’ve been slacking really hard on this blog. I have one prepped and ready to publish, but I’m waiting on a few final components to come together before I do. Anyway, these past few days have been a nightmare for me. This isn’t going to be a long post because most of what I can say now is more applicable in my prepped post, but it’s not time for the prepped one yet.
So… What is this post about? It’s about the last few days. I have been experiencing very crippling depression again. I’ve been texting someone back and forth for a little over a month now and we’ve been playing with the idea of dating. In order to make that official though, we have to meet first. I’ve been trying to organize a date for weeks, but there’s been a third party invasion every time that prevents it from happening. This past Sunday night, in what was supposed to be a Walking Dead date, their mom wouldn’t allow it. She claimed, so I hear, that she needed to have family time and wouldn’t drive my date back to school because of it. It was late at night when they finally got back and I was extremely pushy, saying it’s not a big deal. I was a volatile mixture of excited, lonely, desperate, and naive, and since that night I haven’t heard back. In the past three-ish days, I’ve tried texting and a couple phone calls to no avail. My biggest fear is that this person is no longer interested, but if the words we’ve said are anything to judge by, it can’t be that simple. I’ve been trying really hard today to give space, and I’ve been successful. I’m talking to anyone I can who might have insight. Everyone is telling me the same thing, which is to give space. I’m following that.
But I don’t know if space is going to solve the problem. I don’t trust myself overtly and I’ve always been the kind of person that has to fix problems immediately as they happen. I’m a go-getter, I’m passionate, I’m clingy, whatever you want to call it. But when it comes to problems, especially emotional ones, I always want the fastest way out and I start to obsess over solutions to the problem. That’s what’s happening to me now. There’s a problem between me and my “date” and all I want to do is keep talking to them. It was my favorite thing to do in the day and I enjoyed myself so much just texting them. In my next post, you’ll notice me saying, “falling in love.” I of course have never really been in love so I can’t tell you that for sure, but all I know is I’m crazy about the person. I’ve been rereading text messages to see if I did anything super wrong, which I still feel like I didn’t. I’ve been thinking of any possible way to get to them face to face to resolve this or through friends or something. I’m driving myself crazy and I know it’s not healthy. I’m looking for help, but don’t tell me to simply “stop doing that, it’s not healthy.” I realize that, the problem is actually acting. I’ve been distracting myself with ANYTHING that could possibly take my mind off of the situation from writing, to friends, to food, to sleep, and even to homework. I need comfort and support and someone to talk to. I don’t want to believe it’s over, especially in the way it “ended.” What to I do? How do I keep my mind at ease? I know I can’t make them heal, but is there anyway I can possibly salvage the situation? Any wisdom you guys have is much appreciated. Please help me out.