I apologize for my recent trend of writing really depressing material, but this another one. I spoke with my mom the other night and she asked me how I was doing. She said that from reading my blogs she couldn’t tell whether I was happy or not because I’d start out happy and finish sad or vice versa. That’s where I want to start this post because I told her that I was overall good but it really depended on the time. Sometimes I feel happy and fine, other times I feel sucky. I’ve been pondering my next post for a few days now and with the combination of a few phone calls and a Facebook post or two, I decided this is what I had to write about: being absent.
I mean absent in a few different ways. The first way I mean is being physically absent from places. I’ve been missing several classes a week. Today I slept through both of my classes, partly because I stayed up extra late writing this post because I couldn’t sleep otherwise. It’s turning into a vicious cycle, but the one good thing I have going for me is that missing class isn’t the end of the world for me. I’m also absent from Colorado. It’s hard being the only one within a given group to leave. I left my family behind, I left my school behind, I left my friends behind, and I basically left my old life behind. This phone call I had with my mom brought up really distressing news to me and I haven’t been able to get it out of my head. I’m not going to share exactly what’s going on, but I will say that life goes on with or without me. I don’t know what I expected. When I left for college and said goodbye to my family, it was hard not to think about myself. I had to think about how I was going to get through the day and make this adjustment and make friends and all this stuff that I guess I forgot that life went on more or less as normal for my family. The same problems that existed before I left are still there and have even escalated and the fact that I’m not there to see it developing (or festering) has made me distraught. I shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve seen this coming for months now, but now its happening. I’ve surprised myself with how much I’ve missed my family. I guess its a symptom of being a teenager and forever being surrounded by your family, but now that I’m on my own I miss them. I care about what happens to my siblings even though it doesn’t hardly effect me at all. I care about my sister’s choices even though they belong to her, and I care about my mom and dad’s well-being even if I’m not around them. Plus I’ve talked to my friend recently and seen a post or two about leaving my friends and all I hear from them is, “We miss you! It hasn’t quite been the same without you. There’s something missing,” and things like that. Of course that means the world to me, but at the same time it places pressure on me for being the only one gone. I lost several friends, but they only lost one. They still have most of the puzzle while I’m the missing piece that’s missing the rest of the puzzle. There’s still a picture without me, even if it’s not perfect. It really emphasizes my absence.
The second meaning, and probably more important, is on a more emotional level. This traces back to my mom asking how I was and my response that I was sometimes good and sometimes bad. I think that’s true but not the most accurate answer. I really feel as though I’ve been missing something in everything I do. There’s some part of me that’s always absent. I can’t ever be totally happy or totally sad or totally angry or completely anything. There’s always something missing that keeps me from feeling complete and I cant possibly know what it is or why it isn’t there. I’m a fairly passionate person. When I really like something, I obsess over it a little. It’s evident in Buffy, Carrie Underwood, or anything else I’m passionate about. When I don’t like something I tend to make it known. Either way, I tend to be a pretty vibrant or passionate person I think. But recently I haven’t been able to express myself as I should be able to. I don’t get happy the same way I usually do, I can’t get sad enough to do anything or angry enough to fix anything. I’m in this ugly gray area where I’m almost a person but not quite. I have all the components I need to be happy, but I don’t get joyful. I have all the reasons to get sad, but I can’t cry. I get pushed to the point of rage, but I can’t explode and so on. It might sound like a good thing to not be able to be sad or angry, but if you and I think back to the movie Inside Out, we learned that an inability to properly express emotion leads to self destruction. You know, I can feel those temporary doses of happiness or sadness or anger but it’s short without constant stimulation.
You know, everything feels super dull right now as a result. I feel like I’m stuffing everything into a bottle because there’s nowhere I can open that bottle up. I have a roommate, I live in dorms, I have classes, I have other people everywhere I go but none of them are people I feel like I can open up to and there’s no place nearby I feel I can safely let go. So what do I do? I just keep looking for anything and everything I can to distract myself. Nothing is fulfilling in any sense and I keep presenting myself moments full of potential. Every time I think about my friend not talking to me I want to cry. Every time I’m with a certain person I want to punch them in the face and yell and scream and stand up for myself. Every time I’m around friends I feel temporary happiness until I’m back to being alone and I’m no longer happy. I don’t really get as excited for things that would normally make me giddy. It’s just a diluted existence where I can’t express what I need to. And you know, every time I get like this people tell me to pray and talk to God about it. Read the Bible. Be real with Him and he’ll take care of it. But if I’m being honest it just doesn’t work well for me. I don’t get passionate about the Bible, I don’t care about praying, and honestly I don’t feel like God is there for me right now. In fact, more often than not I don’t really feel like God is there. Talking to God doesn’t help me much and reading the Bible has never helped me much. I need people, and I don’t have many of those to help me.
I’m absent, my emotions are absent, my friends are absent, and God are all absent from my life right now, and I’d really love to find them all.