Disclaimer: This isn’t going to be a pretty post. I’m not going to try and go for eloquence or calmness or any one thing over another because today I just have to be open. Whatever comes out will come out and I’m not going to try to sugarcoat anything or be rational and thoughtful. I’m just going to write and whatever pours out of me will be what sticks to the page.
“So what’s up Jake?” I’m glad you asked because I’ve been off and on full of rage, resentment, and depression for the past two-ish weeks. It isn’t constant, but it’s recurring. I’ve been dealing with circumstances, some of which I’ve mentioned and will continue to mention, that have just been making me a bunch of different things which can all be summed up into one word: miserable. Again, I’ve been having some really great moments too, but there’s been a stark rise in negative feelings and I’m dealing with it the only way that really works for me, which is writing about it. Let’s start with my depression because it’s going to be the most similar to what I’ve already mentioned.
This isn’t clinical depression (not yet anyway) so I don’t think it’s anything super serious, but the other night I walked away from my friends and back to my room. I sat down at my computer and it was all I could do to hold in tears. I started writing that all I felt like doing was laying down in bed and crying. I can’t even discuss exactly why I felt like that in detail here, but what I can say is that it had everything to do with loneliness. Now you may be saying, “But weren’t you with friends? How could you be lonely?” I’ll tell you my lovelies, and I’ll do it while quoting Buffy the Vampire Slayer‘s very own Cordelia Chase. “I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone.” There’s more to that awesome quote, but it’s not super relevant to my purposes in using it. Just another reason BTVS is one of the greatest shows ever. Still, there’s just drama with this age group. It didn’t stop with high school. Drama follows wherever I go. People talk about boyfriends and girlfriends all the time. People stab each other in the back. People pretend to be friendly and gossip behind your back. People are horny as hell and will do anything to get laid. People are desperate for intimacy, and I wouldn’t say I’m different. I don’t know exactly what I want, but I know I want more than what I got. I don’t know if that includes a relationship, I know that it includes deep friendship though and I just don’t think I have enough of that. I take things personally that aren’t ever meant to be personal. I don’t know why, I just do. But you know, I just look at the relationships I have in my life and I don’t see what I want. I see myself as the disposable one, and I probably have no reason to see myself that way, but I do.
And I can’t talk about my negative feelings without bringing up my friend again, if I can even call this person that anymore. I really want to be able to, and that’s part of the problem. It’s the same struggle I’ve been writing about. Do I keep trying or do I let the person go? I walk to and from class everyday listening to my iPod and every so often a song will come on that just magnifies everything that’s there. Delta Goodrem (who probably nobody has heard of; she’s Australian) has a song called “I Can’t Break It To My Heart” which is about being unable to stomach the fact that a person has left her. Adele has a song called “Don’t You Remember” about remembering why two people fell in love despite her flaws. Carrie Underwood has a song “Whenever You Remember” about remembering the good times the two had together. There are countless more that just make it even more painful. I just look at my own situation in life and I start to hate myself. I just get so depressed thinking about my own behavior and all the things I’ve ever said. Do you ever cringe when you look back at the messages you’ve sent to people? I do that all the time. All the intimate things I’ve shared with this person, all the dumb memories we’ve made, how we used to behave, it all comes flooding back and now that it looks dead, I just feel shame. I almost don’t blame the person for what they’ve done to me because I feel like I deserve that treatment. It’s extremely painful and I really miss this person. It’s tearing me apart.
To pair with that self-loathing, I just have a really stressful friendship right now that I don’t know what to do about. The person causes me so much anger that I just let go. I pretend I don’t get hurt by the person’s comments and their insistence on offending me, but I’ve been talking to people about it and it just infuriates me thinking about how this person can call me a friend at the same time they can be so incredibly and intentionally rude and hurtful. The worst part is I can’t just ditch the person because I’m going to see the person all over the place. I’m stuck with them, no matter how much I don’t want to see the person anymore. Not to mention the person likes to say they’re justified in their actions and tries to tell other people I’m the nasty person. I don’t want to talk behind the person’s back, but I also just want to be able to stomach it and pretend nothing is wrong. I don’t know what to do, but I’m sure that it’s not a good thing for me to have this much anger and frustration that just sits inside me.
I’ve got a lot of other stuff going on too. Not all of it is bad. I’ve been cruising through How I Met Your Mother at a pretty high speed considering everything else that’s going on. As of these words being written, I just finished S8E2, and damn is it driving me crazy! I just want Ted to find the mother already and the season 8 premiere teased it. It’s so close. Plus it really kicked things off crazily. Spoilers incoming, be warned. Barney broke up with Quinn, and it was revealed that Robin is Barney’s bride, which means Robin and Nick break up. Then Ted has to meet the mom, which means he has to eventually break up with Victoria which is so devastating to me. Victoria was always my favorite girl that Ted was ever with, and I’ve liked a fair amount of the girls. I liked Victoria, I liked Stella (I will fight you, Stella wasn’t really at fault), and I even liked Zoey. Now maybe Zoey wasn’t right for Ted, but I still liked Zoey. Hell, I even like Ted and Robin together, which brings me to something any fan of the show will not like almost guaranteed. Everyone, I like Robin. Yup, most people I know hate her character, but I quite enjoy it. I even like her. Sure she’s not perfect, but I could look at any one of the characters and pick them apart. Ted is clingy and sometimes too nice, he’s kind of a player, and his decision making skills are far from where they should be. Lily meddles in everyone’s business, she’s pretty bossy, and she definitely has some degree of a superiority complex. Marshall is stubborn, sometimes too nice, and he’s super over dramatic. Don’t get me started on Barney. Regardless, Lily is the best and Robin doesn’t suck. And for all those people saying the quality of the show declines as it progresses, I disagree. I’m loving the later seasons. I don’t know, talk to me more when I’ve finished the series. I have only 46 episodes left, so I estimate I can be done in less than a week.
Alright well, that’s all folks. Here’s to hoping I don’t get quite so down in the future and that HIMYM is a spectacular show. Sorry for ranting about my problems and the repetitiveness, but it had to be done. And that, kids, is how I got over myself.