The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

So a lot of people back home are wondering what’s been going on in my life since I moved out 33 days ago and haven’t seen them in even longer. Rather than try to tell everyone individually, I’ll just post a sort of “1 Month Anniversary Checkup” post. It’s now been four whole weeks alone, almost five since I’ve left Colorado, and my footing has been established, so I think now is as good a time as any to let everyone know what’s been going on in my life; the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have no idea where to start. I guess I could start out by saying that it’s like impossible to remember the weeks because they all seem to blend together. I can remember “out of the ordinary” events, but I couldn’t tell you what I learned in class last week really. Though now that I’m writing about it, some things are coming back, but the point still stands that time kinda flies by and I have little way of keeping track of it. I get up, go to class, walk back, repeat until class is over, do something, eat, socialize, hide in my room, sleep, bla bla bla. That’s not to say that things are going poorly, it’s just to say that I feel like I’m always doing something and there’s not enough time in the day. Sometimes that’s a good thing and other times it feels not so good because it means I can’t do everything that I want to be doing. Part of being an adult I guess.

But now for what I can remember. What’s been noteworthy? I took my first test on Saturday. I had to finish it really fast in order to be back and ready for the Greek festival, so I went to the testing center and took the chem test. The professor said it would probably take about an hour, maybe longer if you were a slow test taker. I finished it in 20-25 minutes and to my astonishment, I pulled a perfect 100% out of it. Today in class, the professor had the stats from the test and the class average was 75%, the high was 100%. I’m not sure if anyone else got 100%, but I know that I set the high for the class which made me feel really awesome. I’ve never done that well on a big test, and since that’s my first college exam ever, it’s got me super pumped. Set a high bar for myself, but now at least I know that this isn’t going to be as horrific as every teacher and student and media source makes it out to be. I’ve found about myself, and maybe other people have found this too, but when you’re suddenly forced to fend for yourself, I think it surprises you how fast you adapt. In high school, for me anyways, I was a HUGE slacker when it came to just about all of my school work. My time management wasn’t always where it should be, my mom did my laundry, she cooked me food most of the time, and I was essentially running on everybody else. Not that there’s anything entirely wrong with that, but when I came to college, I was expecting to have to do all of that for myself. And I do have to do everything for myself basically, but it’s not a big deal. I’ve always hated doing dishes, and I still kind of do, but now I do them without hesitation because there’s really not many and there’s a certain level of necessity that wasn’t there in high school. Same with cleaning my room and making my bed or cooking my meals. I’ve really surprised myself with how much I’m able to handle myself and it turns out I’m a lot more responsible than I thought I was.

But about that Greek festival. It’s not really a festival, it’s just a Greek Orthodox church that cooks a bunch of food for the community once a year. So we waited in line for close to an hour and a half (we being me and some Intervarsity peeps) before we finally got our food. It was there that I tried my first bites of Greek food, and I still can’t pronounce half of it. I know I had pilafa, which is Greek rice, pork skewers called something that might’ve started with an ‘L,’ and this meat thing wrapped in grape leaves that I also don’t know what it’s called. Then someone bought these honey and cinnamon dough bite things that were amazing. Overall, the food was decent. I’m not that big a fan, but I did enjoy it and I would eat Greek food again. For those who have never tried it, it’s very tangy food. All the spices were very strong and even the meats were juicy and tangy, like they all had citrus somewhere in the mix, though it didn’t have a really citrus-y taste. Imagine the kick of an orange but like salty and juicy kind of. I’m not sure, it was perplexing.

Also on Saturday was this inflatable party sort of thing. I don’t think there was a special occasion, but they got bungee basketball, giant water pong, corn hole, bubble soccer, a giant bubble ball to roll down the hill, and a mechanical bull. I did almost all of the stuff, except the water pong and the bubble soccer and the giant air ball. So I guess I just did corn hole, mechanical bull, and bungee basketball. Played some volleyball and Frisbee too, but those weren’t school sponsored so they weren’t technically part of the event. On Friday, I didn’t have morning classes because the professors canceled them, so I only had one class the entire day at 4:30. So I slept in and spent the six hours up to the class researching and writing a paper. And see, there’s the thing again. Normally I can’t write papers for long blocks of time and it takes an even longer time to sit down and do it. And while I did put it off until the last moment, I planned it that way and when the time came, I just cranked it out no questions asked. I was really confused writing the paper because I’m writing a paper about good writing, which is a really hard thing to research since it’s so subjective. And more specifically, it’s good writing on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which went off the air 12 years ago, so critic reviews of the series are few and far between. I went to class and asked the professor about what I should be doing with this because I felt so cluttered and confused, and he told me I was doing everything right and what I had was perfect, I just needed to fix a few grammatical things and add on a little more to the end. The best part though, is the professor has also watched through Buffy, albeit not in a while, but he recognizes where I’m coming from and he was able to point me towards more in depth topics of discussion that more closely analyze the show. Basically, I get to write my papers this semester about anything I want relating to Buffy, and my research practically mandates watching more Buffy. You could say I’m pretty ecstatic about that.

The night before that was only interesting because of Intervarsity meetings. I went to the large group with a friend and we sat through the service and socialized a little afterwards. Because I registered for this thing called Fall Conference in Park City, which is happening this weekend, I was entered in a drawing for a small prize. I got a $5 gift card to a frozen yogurt place. Pretty sweet, huh? After that we went to Denny’s where I may or may not have pigged out on things I probably shouldn’t have. You see, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday of last week we were hosting the National Weightlifting Championship or something like that, so they closed off the main section of the gym, so I couldn’t do my workouts effectively. So I just resolved until the gym was open again to resume my workouts. But that left me with the dilemma of the food. Since I wasn’t gonna workout, I decided to take full advantage of my time off, so I ordered a cheese quesadilla, mozzarella sticks, a vanilla shake, and a strawberry puppy sundae. It hurt me to eat so much fatty and delicious food, but I don’t have any regrets. It was fantastic.

I don’t really remember anything out of the ordinary happening outside of those things. I’ve been doing a lot of snapchatting and phone calls and things back home, including attending the Fort back in Colorado from about 450 miles away! It was kinda hectic and I don’t know if I’ll do it again because I felt like kind of a nuisance being on a phone that couldn’t hear anything and had to be passed around a lot, but we’ll see. I met with a mentor on Thursday to talk about some stuff. I signed up for a mentor and wasn’t sure how much I really needed one, but he’s got a few perks. He’s going to help me with finding a job and healthy food options at the least, so that’s kinda cool. I talked to my dad sometime last week and that was nice. Got a little more money flowing in so my financial situation isn’t on the critical list, I see my friends pretty much every day so I’ve got a somewhat thriving social life, I’ve been eating much healthier (night at Denny’s aside), so I feel a bit better about myself there too. Gained a little weight too. Put on ~3 pounds in my first week. Technically last week was my second week, but because of the gym closure, I didn’t workout half the week, so this week is a continuation of the second week. I really am having a wonderful time here. This campus is so amazing. Every time I walk to class I just get to look at the mountain which is really brown, but really beautiful. I get to look over the city, which is gorgeous, and I just really enjoy it here.

So that’s the good portion of my college experience, now let’s look more into the bad and the ugly. Sleep is a thing. A thing I’ve kind of been neglecting in the name of social life. It’s not insanely bad, but I’ve been averaging probably 6-7 hours a night, which is a little under where I want it to be. Getting up is really hard to do, and there’s this dance class crap that I have on Tuesdays and Thursdays that’s next to impossible to stay awake in. That brings me to the next thing, which is that dumb class. I’m trying really hard not to be skeptical and trying to adopt the viewpoint that it’s only going to be as good as I make it, but it’s really a struggle. I have no interest in dance whatsoever, and there’s only so many times I can watch a person dancing before I start to get bored. We watched this video of a dude in an apron just shifting his hands around on his lap robotically, and other people were praising the meaning behind it and how innovative it was, and I just wanted to scream “I hated it! That wasn’t dancing, it was two f***ing hands! It sucked!” That’s a bit dramatic, but I really didn’t like it or see it as dance in any respect. Here’s something weird though, not really good or bad, but I think a girl in the class might’ve been flirting with me. Doesn’t happen to me often so I’m not sure if she is just a pretty outgoing person or if she was hitting on me. She doesn’t speak up a lot in class, but she was talking to me a lot in class one day. I dunno, but I was thinking she might’ve been. Who knows? I’ll stay alert and let you know what happens. Sound good?

So aside from sleep and dumb dance classes, I also just miss Colorado. It’s not a throbbing heartbreak, but it’s a little strange not seeing all my church peeps and my family and my dog and all of that. I snapchat a few people from back home, but it’s still hard not being able to see all my closest friends every week. And I’ll just go out and say it. I got a friend watching Buffy right now and I wanna watch it with her and then talk about it. I want to donate plasma with my friends and snapchat how far into the donation process we are. I want to have “Honey I’m Good” and “Shut Up and Dance” and “500 Miles” dance parties in the car. I miss going to the high school youth group, I miss the youth leaders, I miss going to the Fort every Friday night, there’s a lot of stuff that I feel like I’m missing out on because I’m the one that left. I’m the one who changed states while everyone else stayed in Colorado. I kind of miss the familiarity I have with Fort Collins, cause I don’t know a whole heck of a lot of Ogden. I know how to go downtown and from there I know a few blocks, but there’s so much more to Utah than what I’ve seen, and I probably won’t see much of Utah. I mean, I’m going to Park City which will be cool and I’ll get out of Ogden, but I won’t learn the area. I don’t know. I miss Colorado. Just like that song from “Cheers” (is that the right show?), “Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name.”

The last has been on my mind a lot recently, and I mentioned it in my last post but it hasn’t gone away and I’m kind of lost about it. The friend. Some of you know who I’m talking about, others may not, and this is really sensitive stuff, so I just ask that you respect his privacy and my privacy. I know I’m about to post this on the internet for anyone to see, but I don’t usually get more than 10-15 views, and I’m not going to post any personal information or anything too in depth. I’ve just been having really bad sentiments surrounding this guy right now. I’ve known him for so long, somewhere around 3 years, and we’ve gotten to know each other insanely well. He was my closest friend when I had nobody else around, and I still want to consider him a close friend, but I can’t do that honestly. Back in January he cut almost all contact with me. After two-ish years of near daily contact frequently for hours at a time, he went cold. You know, last semester of high school things really picked up for me so I had a lot I wanted to share, but also a lot going on so I didn’t always notice his absence. Through the summer I was also really busy, but even more stuff happened I wanted to share. And I wanted him to do the same. He used to tell me about the latest girl he had a date with and his plans for the weekend and all this kinda dumb little stuff that I love to know about from close friends. Then it was an effort to get a response back at all. My philosophy was always to be the friend you want others to be to you, so I would text a lot and pretend nothing was wrong, but every so often I’d get upset at the lack of response and he’d say something along the lines of, “I’m sorry dude, I’ve been super busy. I know I haven’t been doing my part, and I have to fix that,” only to never fix it. Sometimes he’d respond, but 4/5 times it’s a no show.

And now I’m in Utah, the same state he’s in. I’ve been here a month now, and I’ve been trying to get something out of him. A dinner, an outdoor activity, you know, anything we could do beyond play text chicken. Two weeks ago I asked him for just a moment of his time and tried to explain my situation to him. Of course, I wasn’t going to explain everything in one massive text like I’m doing right now, I just wanted to convey that I really would like to do something and I feel bad that I’m the only one pushing for it to happen, and how I shouldn’t be feeling bad about texting my friend. Cause that’s where it is now. I feel like every text I send pisses him off. He actually responded to that one and said that he was sorry and he needed to do his part and that maybe the next week (now last week) we could set something up. Well the week has come and gone and nothing. On Saturday, I sent him a few fairly loaded text messages: “Got any plans tonight? Wanna come see the friend you haven’t seen in nine months? Well then drive on up to Weber State University for an evening of fun and games and friends.” He responded with a, “Sorry, I’m busy tonight. Thanks though,” kind of message. So I sent back: “Aight have fun then. Sorry to intrude,” and, “I’ll just stop trying. This is kind of exhausting.” I haven’t said anything to him since then, and he hasn’t responded. You see, I want so badly to be able to cut him off and not feel this pain, but I just can’t do that. He is/was my best friend, and I can’t just let that go, even if apparently he can. I don’t have an answer for why, and I want to know what happened and if he has any desire to continue being friends. Most people would probably say that he’s giving me a plain answer, but he always responds with things like, “I’ll try to do better,” or, “Let’s try to do something some time.” And because I know him, I find it extremely out of character for him to behave this way: freezing a friend out without explanation. So I keep trying. And I want to keep trying, but I don’t want to smother him, and I don’t want to hurt him, and I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m so lost in this situation and keep flip flopping between resolves. I don’t really want to hear anyone’s opinion on this matter, I just wanted to explain myself to someone. Here’s a question I kind of do want the answer to though: Am I lame? Am I the ‘creepy ex-girlfriend’ nobody wants around? Am I a weak person to feel hurt and then admit it to people?

That’s my life this past month. Usually all at once. Being around other people is usually a help. We watched Hercules last night and one of my friends started dancing on the table and singing. We had a dance party on the Kinect for Xbox. It was a fun night, but that’s just one night after all. I’m dealing with all of that and more every day. Some good, some bad, some ugly.

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