Stricken

I’m really trying to stick to a one post per week schedule, typically that will happen on Friday or Saturday, but I’m frequently busy Friday nights and Saturday I forget about it in all of my procrastination. So, I apologize for missing last week, I’ll try to get another one out this week. These past few weeks, and this week, was/is pretty busy for me. Here’s a quick update before I go into the post.

I’ve been really stressed out about a few different things. I’ve been co-leading the set crew for Shrek, the school musical. In doing that, I have a lot of time commitment that I sometimes have had to cut short. Two weeks ago was layout and a lot of school projects and essays and stuff which has carried out through the rest of these weeks. I’m trying to keep up with all my homework and projects and the like, but it’s kind of rough right now. This past Friday I drove out to Utah for a scholarship dinner. That 7 hour drive beats my butt every time, and I had to do it with my mom’s fiance. So actually, that’s also news. My mom is engaged. He’s an alright guy, it just feels foreign to me again. My mom is gonna get married. I’ve spent half of my life without having married parents, and to spend so much time with him is just a little unnerving. It was alright though. He’s a nice man, but again, just a little awkward. So I went to Utah and learned about my requirements to keep my scholarship since I received the Presidential Scholarship, which automatically signs me up for an elite group called Aletheia. It really helped and prepared me for college. Plus I got to visit Ogden, which I was hesitant to choose Weber the first time, but the trip just really solidified my love for the area. I can’t wait to go to college. Leaving Saturday morning made me sad though, just like in my last post about going to Utah. It’s very annoying to me getting these little tastes of college and then having to go back to high school. I feel ready for college, but then I have to adjust back to high school. I don’t know, it just made me really sad having to leave Utah again to go back to boring old Colorado and high school. Just kidding, I love Colorado a lot, but Utah seems so exotic to me, and it’s similar enough that it isn’t completely foreign, but it still has its mysteries and it’s far away from home and will be a new experience for me. I can’t wait.

I’ve also stepped up involvement elsewhere. I still regularly go to Friday night college “youth” group. I only put youth in quotes because technically they’re not youth because they’re over 18, but three or four of us are under 18. Anyway, call it a small group. I took up a position in my church’s child ministry. I lead the second and third graders with two other people. Just look at my “Baby Fever” post to see why I might have done that. Long story short, I really have a thing for kids now. I love them. I was scared about 2-3 grade because I didn’t think I liked them that much, but I’m surprising myself. They’re actually pretty cool, and it’s neat bonding with them and having them look to me for assistance or guidance or something. It’s like being a temporary parent which is neat. I’m also learning to do tech for the actual youth group that happens on Wednesday nights. Basically I’m learning how to use the sound board and how to check the band’s sound to make them sound good. I enjoy having those technical skills. Now I can walk around saying, “Look at me! I know how to run a sound board, use power tools, and various other technical elements and skills! Woo hoo! Yay me!” Yeah, and of course I have my dedication to three different shows right now. Sunday nights are devoted to Walking Dead, and when I’m with my mom I watch Buffy with her. On my own time I’m watching Angel, which I’m almost done with and it is SO intense. I can’t wait to finish it and I think I’m going to cry soon. So, it would suffice to say I’m pretty booked most of the time, even if it is by silly, “unimportant” things like Angel. I disagree, but still. Oh, and I need to find a paying job! I’m just looking for something right for me and there doesn’t seem to be much of that available right now, or I need to be 18. Or I need lots of references, none of which I really have because I’ve never had a job before. And I’m only two months from turning 18, that has to count right? And just general “college stuff” like the housing application I finished the FAFSA we just finished. So, not a whole lot of time, lots of stress between ALL those different things, even things I’m forgetting or ignoring.

Now that my “excuses” are out of the way, lets jump into this post. I was going to riff on people that were pissing me off for various reasons originally, but I’ll just spend one sentence, maybe two, on it. Some people that I can’t mouth off to or are “superior” in some sense to me were being really unreasonable and rather bitchy, but I had to refrain from saying anything about it, and that is really hard for me. I want to talk about it, or mention it, or sometimes just explode on them and defend myself, but I have to not because I know it’s a fight I can’t win, whether I’m right or not. Ok, little vent over. This is the main post now.

It’s 2:48 as I right this. A.M. I can’t sleep right now. So I’m writing this. Inspiration struck, and I’m obeying it. I was thinking about my lack of blogging because of Utah trip, and I started thinking about college again. I guess it finally hit me that I was going to leave. I started planning things that I was going to bring with me and all things that I would have to bring. Will I need my own sheets? Could I bring my mattress and replace the one they provide me with? Who are my roommates going to be? Will I need to bring furniture? Will my parents give me some now that they’ll be a person short? I don’t know the answers to those questions. There are more, but you get the point. I thought of this impending summer. I know I’ll graduate and spend this summer with my friends and family, but then it finally struck that I won’t be coming back. I ‘m going to be completely isolated from most of them for a long time, and I’m not certain of the next time I’ll see many of them. Will they cry when I leave? I’m going to live on my own.

. . .

I’m going to live on my own. I’m going to leave the house with a lot of my stuff and go live in another state. Other people are staying nearby, but I’m the only one that’s leaving. I’m going to miss them. I hope they’re going to miss me. Will they be upset? When will I see them again? I just got a little teary. I considered my friends a great deal in my college decision. I have a lot of friends here who I’m going to miss like crazy. But I have a friend or two in Utah that I can’t wait to see. I can’t wait to see who I’ll meet in college. I mentioned earlier that I was sad I had to go back to Colorado. It was true, but I had a weird time perception in my head. I’m telling myself, “Only 2.5 months until graduation. Time has flown.” Then I think, “Man! I still have 2.5 months! When will this be over?” And then I look at the summer and I KNOW it’s going to go by fast. I have about six months until college starts, but sometimes I think that’s forever away, and other times it feels like it’ll happen tomorrow. I’m switching back and forth between them constantly. But this is all to say that there will come a time when I ultimately have to say goodbye. I think I’ve said it before, but in case I haven’t, I HATE goodbyes. I suck at them. I don’t like goodbyes because it means no more. Goodbyes to TV shows, books, people, etc. When Buffy ended, I was distraught for more than one reason, but one of them was that the show ended. I hated when I finished Lord of the Rings, because I know there’s more. When I say goodbye to my friends, I know I’ll see them again eventually, but it’s like the ending of a book. My time with them is so limited, and it will end. It’s a time bomb, and I’ll be exploding into a thousand tiny pieces. I’m very excited to leave, but man I will hate the part that comes right before it. Will they give me something to remember them by? Will I give them something to remember me by? I’m just a little panicked and sad. I suppose I’ll have to keep my chin up and cross that bridge when I get there. God will guide me through it, and them through it. If any of you read this, I’m gonna tell you now that I’m going to miss you like no tomorrow. I’m so sad that I’m leaving you, but understand it’s where I feel I’m being called to, and I still love you, and I hope the same is true of you for me. You’re such an important part of my life, and when I say we’ll keep in contact, I really mean that. There won’t be any of that crap where I say I will but then never do because I know I’ll see you soon. No, I won’t, so Facebook or texting or this blog or something else will be all I have. I will keep in contact. I love you all.

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