So I really want to make two different posts, but that doesn’t make a ton of sense because I know I’ll forget one of them, or the feeling will pass, so I’m going to write essentially two blogs in one. They might be potentially linked, and I have one segue I plan to use to make the transition as minimally awkward as possible. So let’s start off the first one.
I’m in AP Psychology this semester and the current unit we’re in is developmental psychology, essentially looking at babies and stages of human development. It also deals with the effect of nature vs. nurture and how much of our behavior is affected by our genetics and how much it’s affected by our surroundings and the events that occur in our life. Naturally we started at the beginning with babies. We watched the whole story about sex and fertilization and chromosomes and all the periods of development in the womb. We also got to watch, in full color, clear definition, straight on view the birth of a baby. That’s not all though. We watched it once in full speed, once again in slow motion, then in reverse fast speed, then in reverse slow motion, then in full speed normal to finish it. It was only a little disturbing, and actually more awe inspiring that humans are capable of creating a life that starts from the size of a grain of sand, and it grows INSIDE of the woman and can hear and see. They’re little people! They’re precious and beautiful little miracles. Immediately after birth the “blood monkeys,” as my teacher calls them, are fully capable of recognizing their mothers’ voices and they have reflexes and they can see things clearly and follow them with their eyes. They’re just amazing little critters. They grow into fully functioning human beings capable of thought processes and discovery and it just makes me marvel at the human mind and species.
For some reason, all this talk about babies and the fact that we’ll be having children in class next week and just suddenly noticing all the little babies around has me thinking about babies a lot. I am 17 and in no way prepared to have a baby or support it, but I really want a baby right now! I’m not saying I’m going to try and have a baby tonight or any of that, but I just am really feeling in love with the idea of having a baby. Like I just want the little cute blood monkey that’s half me and half someone else that’ll grow up and I’ll get to teach and help and tell stories to and play with and watch become his or her own person. The idea thrills me. I’ve also just thought about the progression of life, and how eventually I’ll die and my children will have to go on without me. I’ve mentioned how I feel the need to be involved in everything, and the same is true for my kids’ lives. I won’t get to see them finish their lives, or experience their happiness when they have grandchildren or whatever happiness comes to them after my passing. I’ve thought about what I want to teach them about life and who I want them to be. I’ve thought about them becoming teenagers and all of the fun that’ll bring. You may read that as sarcastic or not, but I really believe that teenagers are the ones who start to formulate their own opinions and become their own person if you will. Not to say that they aren’t people before then, but they become more aware of the world and where they fit into it. They start to become adults and become capable of carrying a conversation and making their own educated decisions. I think it’s amazing. All this to say that I have no children, but I’m already in love with the ones I know I’ll have someday. I wish humans could go from baby to adolescent like right away and just spend the equivalent time in each. I say I’m not very good with children, but I’ve had a change of heart recently. I still can’t handle toddlers super well, but the early babies I really adore now and then probably from about five and up I could handle better, and then the adolescents I could deal with as well. I just want a baby :(. A boy too. I want my first kid to be a boy. I can definitely wait though.
Here’s my SUPER AWESOME SEGUE! I’m not the only one who wants babies apparently. Other students want babies. Not really, they just want to smooch and date and stuff. Yeah, pretty lame segue but it’s all I could come up with. This part is about personal relationships.
I walked to the other side of the school to get picked up the other day and while I was waiting I got to people watch a lot, and people listen. So the area of the school I was in was the athletic hallway which exits into a student parking lot. I watched many juniors and seniors leave with the keys to their cars either swinging in their hands or tucked in the pockets with the lanyard hanging out. Something about that makes people look cool I suppose? Lets people know you can drive and is a sign of maturity, power, and coolness? Well I guess it kind of works because that’s what I associate that with. That’s really beside the point though. I watched people leaving school on their own time. They didn’t have to wait for mommy/daddy to come pick them up like I do most of the time, and I’m older than a lot of them. Regardless of reason for why they have their own cars or why I don’t, it felt very limiting and uncomfortable. I’ve been on the earth longer than them, learned more than them, been in school longer than them, and still I am at the mercy of others. It seems to me unfair, and kind of brought to light a feeling that I don’t like.
Age. Appearances. Maturity. From the way I hear people speak about themselves and other people around them, from the cursing and language they use, from what they find funny, from them “dating” each other like horny weasels, they radiate immaturity trying to pass as maturity. I watched freshman, 14-15 years of age, make out and wrap their arms around each other. They talked a big game with all their macho and mature curse words. The guy was so tough with his baseball uniform and baseball pals. The girl just fell for it all, and from what I remember she was a “popular girl” or a “Regina George” kind of character, solely judging on appearance. The point of the matter was that these 14-15 year olds were trying to appear like an adult and were being far too promiscuous. They should not be wrapping their arms around the others waist and gazing into each others eyes and sucking face. Then what? They walk off so she can watch him practice baseball. I was kind of at a loss for words. 14 going on 25, but still going to go watch him practice baseball cause it means SO much to him. Maybe it does, but I really sincerely doubt that he cares whether she sees him practicing. It’s a practice. I’ll come out and say that I’m 17, near 18, and the closest thing I’ve come to a date was with a friend who I asked to prom last year. We didn’t kiss, we slow danced awkwardly, but we had fun. At least I did. I’m not downplaying it as unfun or that I wanted to do more, I’m just showing a comparison in how two different sets of people behave. Right after school make out session versus a prom-posal and prom dancing and such. Why do these kids feel the need to be that way?
I’m not going to lie and pretend that I don’t want to grow up. I can understand the discomfort of wanting to be older than you are. I experience that. I however just tend to suck it up and wait for it to happen. I age my mind and don’t try to age my appearance. It makes me very self conscious because I’m a senior and I’m seventeen. I dress most often in polo shirts and shorts, or in a sweatshirt and sweatpants. I put very little effort into how I look because I don’t consider it a particularly valuable asset. I do value others opinions though, and I sense that most people look at me and think my “style” is weird and dorky and probably immature. Most people don’t look at me and say, “What are you, a senior?” No, I appear younger. I don’t find that to be a huge problem. I have a problem with other people thinking its a problem. Maybe they don’t and I’m just paranoid, but I think that people should look their age. I want to look “17,” whatever that means. It pains me that other people can do that, and I just can’t seem to figure it out. Maybe I’m overreacting.
I hate it when people pretend that they’re something they’re not. Not in the costume sense, but in the personality and appearance sense. I consider myself mentally older than I am. I can cooperate with people older than me much better than people younger than me or my own age. Many of my friends are older than me by a fair amount. It just occurred to me that I feel like Ariel singing “Part of Your World,” just with different lyrics. The message is the same though. My age feels like a constraint on my mind. I’d like to be able to associate with adults more, but I still have high school, homework, a “bedtime,” and parents tying me down. It makes me uncomfortable. Like that one saying goes, “Age is only a number.” Or maybe, “You’re only as old as you feel.” I don’t feel 17. I feel like mid 20s, or what I perceive mid 20s to be like from how I’ve seen people around that age acting and talking and such.
This has turned into a rant I never meant to take. Age limits and identification really irritate me. Plain and simple. I think I also might be showing a double standard, because I’m saying that freshman need to act like freshman, but I’m allowed to act older than my own age. I think in my mind though, there’s an exception when I recognize what I am and am not, and where I don’t “try too hard” to be older. They’re two different flavors in my mind. Hopefully you can see what I’m getting at. Sorry if this really is a double standard.
The original point was to be about human relationships. The freshman are acting and appearing far too old by sucking face, and I feel I’m acting/appearing too young by my clothing, demeanor, maybe even face. Plus I carry a lunchbox, which is probably a bigger deal to me than it should be. So the other thing I really took notice of was “cliques.” Most people would walk in groups of 2-4 out to their cars, or down to the locker rooms or wherever. Most often they were also the same sex. 2-4 guys and 2-4 girls. Same age.
Because I associate with people older than me most often, and also with females more often than males, always feel like an outsider. I’ve never felt like a particularly masculine guy in certain areas of life or society. See my “Man Points” post for more information on that. I’ve typically rejected what it meant to be a man or a boy. This is getting away from me pretty quickly. So I’m just gonna deliver the nutshell. I have wanted a male best friend for many years, and I never really felt I had one. Ever. Still don’t. And it’s kind of too late now. Maybe in college when there is a fresh start. But so many of my friends don’t fit that mold. I mean by this that I want the movie best friend. The one where you are always at each other’s house, you know their family like your own, you have a secret handshake, you seek each other out when you’re in the hallways or for group projects, you text each other in class, that kind of a relationship. That’s the kind of deep relationship that I wanted and still want. It’s just never happened. Growing up is really the survival of the fittest. I had friends growing up who I considered best friends, but it wasn’t quite the same for them I think. I was the one who cared and gave my end of the bargain, but none of the other kids took it seriously. Or somebody else came around and “stole them.” Happened in like first grade, third grade, and fifth grade. And by fifth grade, if you don’t have a best friend, it’s very unlikely you’ll ever find one. Everyone pretty much pairs off. Occasionally a trio, but most often a duo. And even within a trio, there’s sometimes a secret duo. Well I never got that.
So aside with what I grew up with(out), what is it like for me now? Well just like I said above. I want that brother figure. I have a “brother,” but like I mentioned in my last post, family is more than being genetically similar. It’s a bond. I don’t have those family bonds well established. My dad was always working, and then he got divorced, and then he moved away which meant very little dad time. I never cared much for my brother, so nothing there. And again, no real male friends, much less a best friend. I tend to associate with females, and again, they’d already paired off so I got the shaft. And that’s all what flooded to me when I saw two guys walking out of the school building together. I rarely get to walk with people in the hallways. I don’t have that one person in many of my classes who every time there’s a partner or group project, our eyes lock. I don’t have that person who I’m willing to risk texting in class, or who I hook up with after school and on the weekends. It bugs the crap out of me. I want that close male companionship that’s been denied to me by a multitude of sources, including myself. It’s why talking to guys is so weird for me. I form or seek those attachments, but never does it ever take root. I have a close guy friend, but he’s older than me. I never get to be “buddy buddy” with people older than me. They have lives and better things to do. I’m caught in between two worlds in every way you can imagine. None of the puzzle pieces fit together well. I’ve learned to live with it by now, but seeing simple things like that trigger it. I saw two guys hugging when they saw each other outside the locker rooms to, simply as a greeting. Just gets my mind spinning, as you can see by my ramble above.
I really spilled my guts here, which is putting me in a more vulnerable position than most times I post. I have to write it down to get it out of my head and heart. It’s risky for me to put my feelings and emotions so freely out there, and I can never quite be sure how they’ll be received, which makes me kind of anxious every time I post something this personal. But thanks for reading. I’m not sure exactly if I’ve done my thoughts and feelings justice with this post, but still I will post it. Be kind please. Tell me your thoughts, laugh at my discomfort, or whatever. I feel like all I’ve done in this second post is whine and nothing can or will change. Sorry, I’m just not in the best mood right now and this is the only therapy I can give myself. Thanks again.