New Year, Same Me

Today is New Year’s Day, yesterday New Year’s Eve, and all I can say is that they’re just two ordinary days. I’m not that big a fan of New Years. I don’t have a childhood memory that prevents me from liking it, I don’t disagree with what it means, I just don’t get that excited for it. It’s a “meh” holiday. Some people love it and it’s their favorite holiday, and I barely consider it a holiday. Here’s how my New Years was, why I don’t like New Years much, and some resolutions of mine (because I’m not THAT much of a stickler).

Yesterday on New Year’s Eve, I did the same thing I’ve been doing pretty much all of Christmas break so far. I woke up late, I ate some food, I watched some television, and I sat in my room and stared at a computer screen for the greater portion of my day. My sister was somewhere else doing something, my brother was on the computer watching Netflix, and my dad was playing poker at the neighbor’s house. I recall hearing my brother counting down and being super excited about the new year. People were posting “Happy New Year!” messages on Facebook. My dad asked me if I wanted to watch the ball drop, to which I replied “No.” Nothing happened for me on New Years. I just sat in my room and did whatever it was that I was doing at 12:00. I’ve thought about the holiday a lot these past 2-3 days, and I have to say I just don’t understand it much. I know that I’m staying home and doing nothing, while everyone else is out having a good time. I know it means a lot to a lot of people, and I don’t feel that way, so I end up feeling like an outsider. I have this thing in my brain that HAS to be involved in everything. I can’t miss a single word of a conversation, even if I’m not involved, and I usually want to speak up in that conversation, even though they’re strangers sitting at the table next to mine at the restaurant. I have to go to everything to which I’m invited, because if I don’t I’m going to miss something. I CANNOT miss the first 30 seconds of a tv show or a movie, because I know there’s a joke, or action sequence, or something that I’m missing, no matter how small it is. Take that kind of principle and apply it to everything. My friends went to the movie? Why didn’t they invite me? I’m that kid who feels bad about missing my off periods at school, because I am wasting time that I would have spent wasting some other way. I’m the guy who goes to every church event I can, even if I don’t really want to go because I know my friends are going and I can’t risk not hearing a joke, or spending time with them or whatever it is. You get the picture I think. So being at home on New Years, knowing that all around the world, people are having parties, having fun, and kissing at midnight makes me extremely uncomfortable. I’m passing up an opportunity. I hate that entirely. Missing things and being out of the loop and not maximizing things. I have to drink every drop of something. During communion services at church, I’ll lick the inside of the cup to get every last drop of juice. I have to really do all of something, or none of it at all. I bring ALL of my school supplies to ALL of my classes, because I never know when I’m going to need something or not. So anyway, that’s a major reason I don’t like New Years.

I don’t see the appeal of New Years, which leads me to not participate. Despite all I’ve said, I would like to enjoy New Years, but so far I don’t. Why do we celebrate a new year? My guess is some degree of “officialness” that makes it ok. Like why do we wait until the end/start of a year to change something? What makes January 1, 2015 SO different from December 31, 2014? Why do we anticipate the coming year, when on July 9, 2015, there will still be an “upcoming year,” it’ll just end on July 9, 2016? Why do people celebrate it with drinking, smoking, sex and the like? Like what is it that we’re really celebrating? My theory is new beginnings, and some time we as a species just decided that there should be an official day to start over. We divided our calendar into years, and every year would bring something new. 2014 sucked? Well good for you, now there’s 2015 which means you can do anything you want with the year. My question is really like, why wait? Again, why is 2015 going to be different? I think it’s kind of silly. I know my 2014 was a lot better than my 2013, but it was progression. My year didn’t become better because I slapped the label 2014 on all my papers and my phone told me so. My year became better because of what happened. I don’t think each year is like a little box of mysteries that contain different things, like little goody bags. One goody bag has all your favorite candy and the next one has rocks and dirt and dead insects, and you are just handed these little goody bags and have to accept whats in them, and hope your next one is good. Life is one enormous goody bag that you draw things out of and you deal with them like that. It’s not a series, it’s not segmented. It goes on and on, and nothing stops it. Years are meant to identify and record, I’d say primarily for history. 2014 was a good year for me, but it’s not like it happened all on its own. Am I saying this to where you can understand it? 2014 I believe is just a name we give to a certain amount of time, it doesn’t change anything about what happened. I don’t think life and years are like a series of books or movies, where each one has it’s own beginning middle and end, where they’re separated and each one is different. I really feel like I’m not being perfectly explaining this. I’ve yet to hit the nail on the head. Like people seem to believe that 2015 will be different and it’s own entity, entirely different from 2014. Now that we’ve seen all 2014 has to offer us, and we pass our judgment on it, we can just put it down and hope that we get better luck in 2015, or that it’s just as good or better. What happens in 2014 does not stay in 2014, because that is NOT how life works. It is continual, and what happens in 2014 has absolutely no way of staying in 2014. Things will not end because of the New Year, nor will they begin because of it. What happens in 2014 will very likely directly impact what happens in 2015. There is no cut off, there is no real new beginning. We can pretend there is, but why is January 1, 2015 a better day to start something than August 19, 2014? Odds are that nothing changed for you from 11:59 to 12:00 on a grand scale. Why do we celebrate it? It seems entirely meaningless to me. 2015 does have things in store for us, but it is most definitely not a new beginning, it is a continuation of what has already happened, and simply calling it a different year will not change a thing.

All that being said, because it has so much power over our minds, I do believe that because some of us believe that 2015 is a new beginning, that our brain actually can change itself. It’s like that one saying about if you believe something hard enough, it will happen. It isn’t applicable to everything, but I think as far as our mindsets go it can be true. Some of us want to badly to believe that 2015 will be better, so we actually go and make it better. We believe in an illusion, and then we work to make that illusion become reality. I’m reminding myself of The Great Gatsby kind of. My English teacher last year, Mr. Clarke, who has made a couple appearances in these blogs, said that Gatsby was a poor guy, not even named Gatsby. He wanted Daisy so much, and because she wanted someone with money and power, Gatsby made it his goal to get that for her. And he did it. He knew that he, James Gatz, was poor and couldn’t win Daisy, so he transformed into wealthy and powerful Jay Gatsby. He completely changed his persona. He believes that the two are completely different, when in reality, they are the same person. The only thing that changed about him is his thoughts and his mentality. I’m about to go all philosophical and psychological, because it just occurred to me, but maybe I can’t say they’re the same person. How do we define a person? Because Gatz and Gatsby occupied the same body, but because they had different mental states, one could argue that they were in fact different people, if a person is assumed to be their mind and not their body. This is really fascinating to me now, because it’s the same thing in the Bible, talking about rebirth in the book of John. Chapter 3 maybe? Yes, here it is.

“3 Jesus replied, ‘Very truly I tell you, no one can see the kingdom of God unless they are born again.[a]’4 ‘How can someone be born when they are old?’ Nicodemus asked. ‘Surely they cannot enter a second time into their mother’s womb to be born!’5 Jesus answered, ‘Very truly I tell you, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless they are born of water and the Spirit. 6 Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit[b] gives birth to spirit. 7 You should not be surprised at my saying, ‘You[c] must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it pleases. You hear its sound, but you cannot tell where it comes from or where it is going. So it is with everyone born of the Spirit.'”

They can be completely different people occupying the same body. It’s often signified with a name change. Saul to Paul, James Gatz to Jay Gatsby. Or if we really do define people as solely the body, then it’s the same person changing. Rather than the person existing by “who they are,” they would stay themselves and their definition would change. I’m starting to get a little too wise and I’m starting to confuse myself, so I’ll get back to my main point. I do believe that people have the power to change things, and if a little label like 2015 makes you believe that you can change, then all power to you. Whatever it takes I suppose. If you believe in it hard enough, it can happen. All it takes is that psyche change, and I don’t think there’s a way to pinpoint an exact thing that can alter that psyche. 2015 does not do it for me, and I stand by what I’ve said above about the difference between 2015 and 2014. Even so, I still have some resolutions that I want to keep in 2015. I’ve already mentioned some major events that will happen in 2015 for me, but these are some changes I want to make, or things I want to continue doing. I’m going to ask all of you who read this to hold me accountable for these things. Present to me that I said this if I try to be difficult, but these are things that I want for myself in 2015, and it’s going to take a little bit of discipline. I want to be held accountable. Just do it nicely if you do, please. And also, telling me to do something won’t help much, helping me do it will. For instance, if I said I wanted to be nicer to people, don’t tell me to be nice when I’m mean, tell me how to be nice to that person, cause mmmm, I can’t do it with some people easily. Anyway, some resolutions!

I want to advance my writing career by writing something daily, especially my novels. My goal will be to write at least a page a day of at least one novel, plus a blog when I need to, and any other writing I want to do. My end goal for the year will be to have one manuscript completed at least. This is something that could be great for you all to help me with, by allowing me to share what I’ve written with you and getting your feedback.

I want to do as well in school as I’ve done this first semester. This will apply to college to. So my goal will be to achieve all A’s in regular classes, and B’s at least in my AP classes. A’s if I can get them. That means if I can get someone to help me stay on point with my homework, do homework with me, or help me in some form, that would help keep me going.

I want to get a source of income, however “official.” It can be anything, though I have to say I’m feeling pretty picky with work. I am rather selective on yard work, but I like window washing, dusting, vacuuming, babysitting, or retail work like being a cashier, or something where I get to interact with people. My goal will be to have a job of some kind by the beginning of February. How you can help is if you have kids, a dirty house, or know of a business within reasonable distance of my residence that is looking for workers, let me know!

I want to be more healthy I guess, so that includes a lot of things. I want to eat healthier, which means less chips and candy and cookies and stuff and more vegetables, meats, grains, and fruits. That’s gonna be mega hard I think. I also need to exercise more. That can be sports, weights, running, whatever. I don’t know a reasonable goal for this, I guess I just have to start doing it. How can you help? Exercise with me! I’m not expecting you to make me food, so no worries about the food part. But activity is more fun when you’re with a friend!

This is going to be vague, but I really want to be happier. Actually, more joyful. You know all the things I’ve told you irritate me or disgust me or make me sad? Or the things that bring me happiness and joy? More joyful things, less bad things. How can you help? I think my emotional state would be more stable if I got to talk about my feelings more. I know I do that on this blog, and that helps me, but nobody ever responds to them, so having that back and forth would help. Comment on this post, on Facebook, Twitter, text me, call me, see me in person, however. A weekly talk could help.

So that’s all I can really think of right now, but I’m happy with that list. Thanks to any of you who can help me with the resolutions, and thanks for just reading my blog. I love writing this blog, and it’s so great that people actually read it. Looking back on it, I see this is a really weird post. It’s angry, it’s sad it’s deep, it’s hopeful. Please let me know what you think, share this blog with your friends or parents or whoever. I want to hear back from the people who read this. Thanks for hanging with me, and I hope you enjoyed it!

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