Follow My Heart? Which Direction Though?

Sometimes I feel like I might be psychic. Or at least wishing I was. To rephrase that, I think about the future a lot. I get so in depth with it too. My choice could be whether I go get ice cream, and then I start thinking about how I’ll have to brush my teeth. Then how I haven’t brushed them in a week. Then how I’ll have to go to the dentist and get cavities filled. Then how none of my teeth will be actual tooth, so I’ll get dentures. Before you know it, I’m an old man dying peacefully in my sleep. Screw you ice cream cone.

Seriously though. I’m a senior in high school. I have semi-regular mini panic attacks. I’ll forget I’m a senior, then I see or hear or do something senior-esque. Maybe it’s graduation posters. Maybe it’s an announcement that says “All Seniors” or something like that. I’ll be going about my day, and then I just panic. Right now, I am about seven months away from graduation. SEVEN. MONTHS. Within the next 2-3, I have to have either chosen a college or whittled some colleges out. I have to figure out possibilities and scholarships and end of the year junk. To quote the Spelling Bee (tickets available for $10 at for tomorrow, Wednesday, or Thursday), “I’m so stressed by my stress I just want to up and vomit.” Along those future lines, I’m terrified almost. I have six choices of college, only passionate about 3 of them, and there are a million different reasons why. Let me take you inside my head for a moment.

So my top three choices are Weber State in Ogden, Utah, Colorado Christian in Lakewood, Colorado, and Colorado State in Fort Collins, Colorado. I’ll show you why each one may be my final choice.

So Colorado Christian is near Denver, which means I have access to a big city. It’s also an hour or so away from all my friends and family, so travel isn’t a huge issue. It’s also a Christian university, so I feel like I could learn a lot there and really benefit from the teaching. Plus it has Colorado charm and familiarity and all that.

I am considering Colorado State purely for vicinity. I love Old Town Fort Collins and I know the area really well. I’d be within fifteen or so minutes from all my friends and family. It’d be cheaper than out of state, and I can better keep in contact with the high school. Of the three, I feel least called to this one, but that doesn’t mean it’s out of the running.

Weber State is my biggest trump card. It’s about 7 hours drive away from Fort Collins, so driving is possible but not often. I exceed the average acceptance requirements, so getting in wouldn’t be hard, and I’ve heard I would probably get a lot of financial aid to go there. That area of Utah is also probably pretty, since it isn’t southern Utah, and it’s pretty close to the mountains. I have a close friend nearby there, and other close friends have lived in Utah before and to my knowledge liked it pretty alright. My biggest hesitancy about choosing Weber is whether I’m ready to be in that environment. I’d be transitioning to a school thirty miles north of Salt Lake City. I’d instantly become a minority faith wise, and I have to decide if I’m ready, or if God wants me, to step out on a much thinner branch. I don’t know if it’s me or God talking, but in my own mind, I’ve feel pulled strongly here.

All of that being said, I have planned a lot of little things according to which decision I make. Like at CSU I would be able to still see my church friends regularly and walk around one of my favorite places in Fort Collins. If I went to Weber, I started thinking about when I’d go back and visit. What if I met someone in Utah? What if I ultimately lived in Utah for the rest of my life? There’s a ton more, but I’ll keep that to myself, unless asked. I have so many detail in my head planned that I haven’t shared. That’s just the way I am. I am always anticipating things. I hope for the best and expect the worst, though sometimes my expectation align more often with my hopes.

In all honesty, I’m a little scared, but excited. I’m massively anxious. I trust in the end I’ll make the right decision, but until that moment and I’ve made my choice, I don’t know. There are so many different directions I can feel my heart pulling, that I can see myself choosing. Right now though, all I’m getting is a heart that’s dragging me around with it. Some of it is in Utah, some in Denver, some right here in Fort Collins, and I’m just a massive Jacob triangle stretched between all three. I’m lost. I pray God will lead me where he wants me, and that I’ll be able to make the best of whatever situation I’m thrown into.

“God always gives His best to those who leave the choice with him.” ~Jim Elliot


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