Little Green Monster

In response to a prompt, this one is about jealousy, something that everyone deals with. So I will talk about what jealousy has done for/to me, and also what I think about the very idea of it.

Jealousy is a very prevalent emotion for me, semi-daily if not daily. As a kid, there were things that make every kid jealous, like being picked to take the attendance to the office, someone getting more candy than you, not getting to play with a friend because they have a play-date with another person, etc. I think as people grow, jealousy grows with them, like why one person gets paid more, has a more beautiful wife/husband, gets to see a movie at midnight, and stuff like that. Well I identify with a lot of that stuff, and truth be told, some of it is my fault for not taking initiative. However, there are some things that make me jealous that I can’t control, and the only thing I can control is whether I let it bother me or not, and most of the time I do let it bother me.

In my life currently, what makes me most jealous is people with friends and a lot of the stuff that goes along with that. Like I wrote two weeks ago, I am the friend that usually gets left behind and in order to get included in things, I have to initiate things myself. That’s the way it has been my entire life. When I was five up through about my first year of middle school, I’d call every one of my friends weekly, if not daily to see if they wanted to play. If one didn’t pick up, I’d move on to the next one. Nowadays it’s uncommon for friends to get together with just one other person, just the two of them, at least in my experience. Most of the time it’s in groups. That’s beside the point kind of though. Even with the emergence of group “play-dates”, I still find myself getting left out. My reason for not asking to be invited or included is because I was raised to believe that that was rude, intruding somewhere that you didn’t belong. If they wanted you there, they would invite you. One example of this for me is where my friend is planning a surprise birthday party for my other friend right in front of me, but never invited me to it. As if it wasn’t bad enough to not invite me to a gathering of FRIENDS, which I am consistently told I am, they have to go and rub it in my face, whether they acknowledge it or not. This is the same way it goes with a lot of what those friends do. Camping trips, weekend plans, birthdays, you name it. The one invitation I’ve gotten from anybody in that friend group was to a sweet sixteen, one of about twenty to thirty people. That was nice. While I was there though, I had noticed that some people disappeared and reappeared randomly, and it turns out people were getting their photos taken, and none of my friends there invited me to take a photo with them. It really is just one thing after another.

To sound less spiteful, it is also hard to watch people have friends in the hallway. Someone to talk to as they walk to their next class, someone they hug every time they see, someone they say hi to, all of that. None of my friends do that for me, none of my friends text me unless I text them first, none of my friends give me a hug just because, it all just makes me jealous, and I try not to let it bother me. It’s really difficult for me to do though. I just wish I didn’t have to be the one to take initiative all the time, because that tells me that they couldn’t care less and I’m the only one who cares, like I’m “wearing my heart on my sleeve”. Recently I’ve tried to embrace wearing my heart on my sleeve, and I still do, though there is of course an adapting process, and I will always have stuff that’s just for me, but this is one thing that I am letting go of, adding it to that heart on my sleeve. I get hugely jealous of people who devote so much attention to their friends, because I get so little of that devotion. I do think that there are people I can depend on in times of big trouble, but I am lacking a lot of the casualness, the “little things” that make life great. I am jealous of all the people that get those little things. I know jealousy is not a good emotion, it can lead to bad situations and ruin relationships. I know it’s described as one of the “seven deadly sins”, even though it’s called envy. And the worst part of it is that it can lead to wrath. It has done that for me and I hurt people who I don’t want to. It’s a very personal struggle for me.

As for what I think of jealousy, I can sum it up in two words. IT. SUCKS. From an outside perspective, I hate watching people act on jealousy. I’ve heard someone who sometimes sits with my friend group at lunch why one person will hug everyone but him. That makes me just go *facepalm* because there is a lot of bad ground that he seems unaware of. My friend group is mostly Christian, and he is somewhere between agnostic and atheist, and he isn’t that respectful of the differences. He has even said that everyone wrong with society is religion, which makes me confused why he is so eager to sit with us at all. He has 0 filter, and when he does filter something, he has to say so. “I could have said something so wrong right there, but then I decided not to.” My thoughts are, “well that’s great, so why are you telling us that?” I hate that I get jealous, I really wish that jealousy could just evaporate. The idea that you lack something that another have is absurd because everyone in the whole world, no matter who they are, deserves happiness and love. Sometimes jealousy is petty, like so-and-so got a game before I did, or “Sally” got her first kiss before me. Everyone’s situation is different and you really shouldn’t compare such petty things like a first kiss to your own life, or the first to buy a video game. On bigger things though, I just wish that everyone could experience what makes them happy all the time. Not that there should be no pain, because I think “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”. But like, I just wish envy could go away, that I didn’t envy others for being happy when I’m not, or that I could be happy so I wouldn’t feel that way.

My little green monster is more like a big green monster for me, and I hate it. I try to suppress my jealousy and not let it effect me, but I don’t always succeed, and it’s something I am trying to work on. I hope you all enjoyed, comment if you’d like, share and like and all that jazz.

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